


A Step Goodbye

by Gaeciousness



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Drama, How do tagging works, Kenma is broken hearted, KuroTsukki is dating, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, Unrequited Love, What should i tag here, Working adults
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-18 03:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20632511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaeciousness/pseuds/Gaeciousness
Summary: One night, Kurooo excitedly went into Kenma’s apartment to tell a good news which broke Kenma’s heart.





	A Step Goodbye

Kenma was playing the new game he just bought when the doorbell rang. He opened the door hurriedly and saw Kuroo Tetsurou with a crooked grin, standing in front of him while holding a plastic of beer and snacks on his right hand. Kuroo notified him beforehand that he would come over, he even said there was a news he needed to share as soon as possible. Kenma didn’t have a clue what it was but a part of him knew that he wouldn't like it.

Kuroo acted unusual though, he didn’t come to his house uninvited like he always did. Kenma started to wonder if something big had happen. He knew that Kuroo would say it to him in a while but he couldn’t help but ponder on it. 

Kenma welcomed Kuroo with a grunt, the guy just disturbed him from his game. After letting Kuroo get in, he went back to the living room and sat comfortably at the end of his couch, resting his back on the armrest then finally returned to his game. Kuroo on the other hand re-heated the food he had bought. Most of it was junk food but there was also a yakiniku and yakisoba in it. He just let Kuroo get things done since his friend frequently visits him to check on him. Kuroo was already familiar with the placement of his appliances. There were even times Kuroo knows more where things were situated in his apartment than him.

"A new game?" Kuroo glanced at Kenma’s Nintendo before sitting in the floor, crossed-legs. He leaned his head against the couch then opened a can of beer and hand it over to Kenma. 

"Hmm.." Kenma hummed. They were already adults yet Kenma hasn't changed a bit. He was the same Kenma who didn't like interacting with people. There were cases wherein he was forced to socialize because of his work but that didn’t changed him at all. He was still not talkative just as he was before. 

"Haaa..." Kuroo heaved after he gulped down the beer, "Beer after work tastes so good." 

Kenma drank the beer Kuroo handed to him "Yeah." He agreed. 

Kenmaa never thought before that he would actually drink beer and alcohol. He neither liked or disliked it, perhaps it leans more towards dislike but he could still drink it from time to time. There were just times he wanted to drink although he normally refused drinking because of the beer's bitterness and his low tolerance in it. After all rinking after draining day or week, it was the best. 

"What's the news?" Kenma asked without even looking at the person he was talking to. He hated beating around the bush. He saw at Kuroo who was fidgeting when he opened the door, he looked really excited. 

Kuroo showed a crooked grinned, "I'm finally dating Tsukki!”

Kenma paused for a second. _Dating?_ His golden round eyes bore at Kuroo, observing his movements. _So they are finally dating, huh? _

_Game Over_ flash on the screen of his Nintendo. It wasn’t even that long since he diverted his eyes yet the NPC managed to kill his character. 

Kenma was already aware how much Kuroo liked the guy since they were in high school. Kuroo would unconsciously mention the guy very now and then— wondering if Tsukishima already improved over the time they haven't met, thinking how great it would for the team if Tsukki went in Nekoma because it would strengthen the defense of the team or sometimes he would even say that he wanted to meet Tsukishima and train him. 

Kenma saw fondness and sparks in Kuroo's eyes. It was different from his usual provocative or calculating eyes. He knew Kuroo since he was seven years old, his childhood friend would show that look when he was talking about a thing he was deeply immersed to, like volleyball. Kenma noticed it since they were in high school, Tsukki was _special_ for Kuroo. 

It was his cue to bury within himself the yearnings and desires he felt for Kuroo. Never letting other people catch a glimpse of his feelings. He wanted to believe that one day it would someday disappear like a bubble that never existed in the first place. He had already forgotten how many years have passed by since he realized his love for his childhood friend and made himself believe that it would fade away, he only knew one thing, his feelings for Kuroo stayed there, it never vanished. It was like a curse that doesn’t have a remedy. 

Kenma forced a smile to convincing his best friend that he was happy for him, "Congrats." 

He started his game again, diverting his attention from Kuroo and probably, from the heaviness that his heart felt at the moment. 

Although Kuroo may think that look indifferent, Kenma was deeply concerned with it. Throughout the years he kept his feelings in his own, he became better in it. It was one of the skills he didn’t know if he could proudly show-off to other people. He was grateful for it though, his friendship with Kuroo was saved due to it. Nevertheless, he felt that someone was holding his heart, squeezing it tightly until all the blood that flows in it drains— making it harder for him to breath. 

Kenma’s brain wouldn’t leave him alone and he wanted to shut it down. It was not helping him at all. 

He had always been there since they young. They lived in the same neighborhood. They even went to the same school since elementary to high school. They lived together during their college years although they went to different university. He was _always_ beside Kuroo. What does Tsukishima Kei has that he doesn’t possessed? Was it because they play the same position when they were in high school volleyball club before? Was it because they met during high school or perhaps because Tsukishima trained with him during the nights he refused tossing ball to Kuroo? If he stayed for self practice, would Kuroo noticed him? 

Kenma loved Kuroo for a long time, more time than Kuroo loved Tsukishima. They've known each other for a long time. How did Kuroo fell for another guy? 

These were his first thoughts when Kuroo confided him about his love for Tsukishima. It has been years yet the questions remained unanswered.

"C'mon, what's with that reaction?" Kuroo said jokingly, "We should celebrate!" 

Kuroo moved from sitting in the floor to the other side of the couch. His body faced towards Kenma while his legs stretched, reaching the other end. 

Kenma didn’t bothered with it. He saved his gamed and turned off his Nintendo. He knew he wouldn’t be able to focus in it, certainly not tonight. "Hmm.." Kenma answered then titled his body so he could look at Kuroo. “What do you want to do?”

Kuroo’s eyebrows creased with confusion. However Kenma simply traced Kuroo’s features, from his hazel eyes that look provocative as ever, crooked nose, lips upturned and even the shape of his face. He still got that fringed hairstyle that look like roaster's even though he already aged. He was actually surprised that Kuroo's lab allowed him to maintain that hair. 

It looked the same as before, except that his face matured a lot. This was the features of the man he will continuously loving even if the man was already together with another man. He wanted to savor the sight while he still could do it. Kenma knew this was going to be the last time.

Kuroo smirked, “Oh? Mesmerized by my handsome face?” He teased. 

Kenma kicked his thigh while wearing a grim expression, “I’m not.”

“You just did.” Kuroo retorted.

Kenma snorted, “Did not.”

Kuroo chuckled at their banter. _Damn, _ Kenma cursed. _This is torture_. He was being forced to listen to Kuroo’s love life. 

“I’ll stopped for tonight since you abandoned your game for me.” Kuroo said then reached one of the crackers he bought.

Kenma glared at Kuroo, displeased. “You told me that you want to celebrate. I know that you won’t let me focus on my game, I’d rather play it later than waste my energy and play again if I failed,” he scoffed. 

Kuroo held his stomach while laughing his ass off, “That part of you never changes!”

Kenma furrowed his eyebrows, “What? It’s really a waste of effort.” 

He took another sip of beer. Although he was used to the taste of beer, it was still bitter and strong. Kenma’s throat felt dry after drinking it. How could other people be addicted to it? He doesn’t get it. How could they enjoy it when beer gives a person an unpleasant and dry sensation in the throat? 

Somehow, wasn’t it like love? Everyone liked the feeling of being in love, they feel euphoric especially when the person when love reciprocated their feelings. It was sweet for them. It was happiness for them. In contrast, it wasn’t like for Kenma, neither beer nor love made him feel like it he was in rolling on bed made of feathers. He hated either of the two. All it cause him was agony and trouble, he never felt any pleasure in drinking and love.

He could made an exception, drinking beer right now was the brightest idea. His displeasure to beer should be able to encased the overwhelming sadness he was feeling at the moment.

He could still recall how Kuroo persuaded him to play volleyball when they were young and remain in the club when he was on the verge of quitting due to the harsh treatment of the third years before. If the actually left the club then he wouldn’t met Karasuno and experienced the bliss during their match with Karasuno in the Nationals. If it wasn’t for Kuroo, his life would be boring and tedious. He would probably still be alone without any friends throughout his life. Thanks to Kuroo he got exposed to different things.

“You know,” Kuroo grinned, “I didn’t expect that Kei would return my feelings. I thought that he will stick with the norms. You know, getting a job and marrying a woman then having a children like other people. I thought that he won’t date a man but when I asked him out. He told me, ‘What took you so long?’” Kuroo squinted his eyes, “He was blushing when he said that, it was not like the usual frigid Tsukishima Kei. He really looked adorable.”

With a soft and gentle voice, Kuroo continued. “I’m really glad he agreed to go out with me.”

Kenma saw how Kuroo’s eyes and smile curved like it was a crescent moon. It was calm yet you could see how helplessly happy he was.

Kenma started to wonder, would he also smile like that if Kuroo was with him? Probably no. This was the first time Kuroo displayed such a face. Kuroo could never be that happy with him. 

Before he think of a reply, Kuroo spoke again like he was talking to a teen who needed a guidance of an adult. “You should find someone to fall in love too Kenma. It’s really a mysterious yet it’s beautiful.”

He was lost for words, Kenma wanted to say that he knew how it felt to be in love but it wasn’t as beautiful as Kuroo said, it was painful. Many years have already passed yet it was still torturing him. He wanted to say it but couldn't. He wanted to convey how much he loved Kuroo but it would ruin their friendship. He knew Kuroo would feel guilty if he found out about his feelings, perhaps he would even give up his relationship with Tsukishima just to avoid hurting him. Kenma didn’t want him to give up his long-awaited happiness for his selfishness. 

Kenma looked away, he intentionally used his hair to cover his dreadful golden eyes, “As if it’s easy to find someone you’ll fall in love with.”

_It wasn’t hard to find one, but it was hard to make them reciprocate their feelings for you_. Kenma thought.

“Then why don’t you try attending blind dates? Although it’s probably a bad idea for an unsociable guy like you.” Kuroo suggested before swallowing a mouthful of yakisoba. 

“It’s good that you know that blind dates are too troublesome for me.“ Kenma finished the remaining content of his can in one drinking. Maintaining his usual indifferent stance was becoming harder and harder. Was it always like this or was it because of the beer?

Kuroo gentle expression never left his face, “But I’m really thankful that Tsukki and I felt the same way. I wouldn’t know what to do if he turned me down,” Kuroo chortled. ”I’ve always wanted to hold his hands and be with him for him whenever he needs me to. I want to spoil him and do all the things I dreamed before we start dating. Now that I can, I will make sure he won’t regret being together with me.” 

Kenma knew it all, Kuroo told him about it for thousand of times. Everytime he felt a like thousands of needles were stabbing his heart. It wasn’t him Kuroo wanted to be with. He already accepted it. The pain he was currently experiencing, it was incomparable from the past. He should be immune to it after having unrequited feelings for Kuroo for several years. However something was piercing in his heart, deeper and deeper. It was as if there was a hole inside his heart. It was heavy yet empty. He guessed, nothing was more painful than knowing that Kuroo already together with Tsukishima. It meant that Kuroo can never become his. Not in this lifetime.

Kenma was extremely frustrated. His eyes felt hot and wet, he wanted to burst into tears. He couldn’t do that in front of Kuroo though. 

He didn’t know what to say so Kenma simply replied, “It’s good that you are now together. I hope you won’t whine to me anymore.” He tried his best to not make it sound unusual. Gratefully, Kuroo was in seventh heaven and he didn't noticed something was amiss. 

Kuroo laughed at him, “I know that you’ll miss it so I’ll consult you whenever Tsukki and I fought.”

Kenma frowned, “I won’t and don’t come to me when the two of you fight. It’s too troublesome to comfort you.”

－And it would be painful to me. 

He wanted to add but he can’t. He knew that no matter how much he complain to Kuroo, he would still come to him if he and Tsukishima encounter problems. He never realized up until now how insensitive Kuroo was.

Kenma closed his eyes, curled up his legs into fatal position. Hugging his legs, he leaned in the armrest, facing the ceiling. He was tired putting up a façade to Kuroo. He just wanted to rest.

“I will.” Kuroo then stick out his tongue as if a child trying to annoy his nemesis.

“I won't open my door for you anymore.” Kenma retorted.

“You will.”

“I won't.” 

Although Kenma find their banter a little annoying, he would definitely missed it. Once Kuroo exited his house, Kuroo wouldn't visit him frequently anymore. He already had a boyfriend to spend his free time with. He would be cast aside. It wouldn't be the same anymore. The time they spend with each other would gradually lessen and lessen until perhaps they could only meet few times in a year or maybe once in few years. 

“You will.”

Apart from the dating news, Kuroo talked about their former teammates. Yamamoto's wife was pregnant and the man was exhilarated. Yaku visited Russia with his boyfriend Lev. It was funny how they end up sticking with each other. Inuoka was promoted in the sales department— his energy probably greatly contributed to his promotion. Everyone was moving forward to their life, enjoying their life except for him. 

They just talked a lot of thing, just like what they usually do. They both failed to noticed that it already midnight. When they noticed it, the last train would arrived within 25 minutes. 

“Kuroo, Are you staying overnight?” Kenma asked. 

Kuroo looked at the wall clock in living room. “I didn’t noticed it was already this late.” He got up and took his outer coat. “I’ll meet Tsukki tomorrow noon so I have to catch the train.” He frantically wore his outer coat and ran to the shoe rack of Kenma's apartment.

Kenma followed him to see him off. He stared at Kuroo's back as he hastily wear his shoes. The latter would always be ahead of him, moving somewhere completely unknown to Kenma. He would just follow Kuroo, chase after him because it was the most natural thing in his world. Now, it would finally come to an end. He would be from the shackles he put in himself.

“Sorry, I can't help you to clean the mess. I'll just treat you a meal next week as a compensation.” Kuroo said apologetically. 

Kenma shrugged, “You don't have to.” 

“As if it's a meal is a big deal. Just think of it as a token for listening to me,” Kuroo grinned. He gripped the door knob, slowly twisted and opened the door, “See you soon.” He said and walked out of the apartment. Kuroo stopped waiting for Kenma's response. 

_ “Goodbye.” _ Kenma smiled weakly. It was just like the normal smiles. He didn’t knew how he was able to pull off that smile, he just did it. It was probably he became too good at concealing his emotions. Or maybe he was just relieved that he could finally come with a conclusion for his hidden feelings for his childhood friend. He wasn't sure why. He was glad that he didn't break down in front of him. 

Kenma was sure that Kuroo would find saying _goodbye_ weird but he would just passed it off as a mistake. Kuroo never really cared about the subtle hints he has been giving him. Kuroo was always like that— taking care of other people however he never tried to understand them completely. He just did whatever he thinks good for them.

Kuroo patted Kenma’s shoulder before the former released his gripped from the apartment's door. The automatic locked activated while Kenma was left standing in front of the door. 

Kenma stared at the door again before the tears he had been holding for hours finally broke down. It was continuously flowing as if it came from a fall with endless source of water. He already forgot when he last cried, perhaps it was when he was still a child or Kuroo admitted that he liked Tsukki years ago. The only thing he knew, he never cried this hard before. 

How he wished he could chase after his childhood friend, yell how he greatly loved him and how he wished that Kuroo would stay beside him like he had always done. Kenma just wanted to be with him. He wanted to tell him all the things he had hidden from Kuroo all these years. He just wanted to let him know so these wouldn't disappear like it never existed. 

He slumped on the wooden elevation of genkan. His legs turned jelly, he couldn't even support himself. Something blocked the air passage in his throat that made his lungs tightened. Kenma inhaled then exhaled, inhaled and exhaled to calm himself. 

Kenma was to looked aimlessly at the door where stood up before he left, showing his usual crooked grin. He silently wept as he struggles to breath, remembering the years he spent with Kuroo, saying goodbye to his wonderful memories and his love for Kuroo.

It was over. There was no room for him to hope anymore. A lot of things would change in his life, the only thing he could just continue moving forward even if it wasn't in the direction he wanted to.

Even though he didn’t know if how he could move forward, he would at least try to do so. He took his cellphone out from the pocket of his pants, started typing a message. 

_To: Mom_

_Subj: (None)_

_Mom, remember the daughter of your friend you asked me to meet? Is she still available? I'd like to meet her. _

Perhaps, this would be the way.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading it. I'm sorry for the grammatical errors and my writing skills. My english vocabulary is very limited as it isn't my first language and I feel like I wasn't able to fully express Kenma's emotion bc of it. I'm sorry for that. This is also my first KuroKen fanfic, I dunno how to upload properly lolol  
I started writing this last September 2018 and yet I just finished it September 2019. I just can't continue writing it. Kenma is my baby but I hurt him so bad in this fan fiction. My intention was to write a fluff KuroKen fic but when I started typing this, it just turned out this way. I'm sorry I hurt you so bad my baby. 😭 I swear, I'm a huge KuroKen shipper and I refuse to read any other fanfics where KuroKen isn't sailing yet i wrote one. I feel like I'm a huge masochist.  
A friend of mine suggested me to write a continuation where KuroTsukki broke up and Kuroo realized Kenma's importance. I refuse to write that. I don't want Kuroo and Tsukki's feelings to be shallow. I see them as persons who are firm in their decisions and clear about their feelings. Although they might have silly fights and cool offs, it's just like that. They also waited for each other for _years_. I can't just suddenly break them up just so Kenma could be happy. That's unnatural.  
Btw, genkan is the shoe rack space in Japanese homes or apartments.  
Anyway, thank you for reading till the end of the notes! I hope to hear your thoughts, thanks!
> 
> P.S I might edit this again even I've already uploaded it. I hate how perfectionist I am and I just love revisions


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